For the Love of Raffi

For the Love of Raffi (orig. published 08.18.08)

Children’s Hospital – Milwaukee -

It was 10:50 A.M on August 12th.

Colson was being taken away for his knee surgeries.

The last thing I could see were his curious blue eyes quietly peeking over the shoulder of the anesthesiologist that carried him away. Never to fear, for Raffi was nestled safely in the arms of the assisting medical student. Doped up on Versed, Colson was completely content with being led away from Mommy and Daddy on his new adventure with these new people, just as long as Raffi was safely by his side.

For Mommy and Daddy however, this time was not any easier than the first time they took Colson away for surgery. After I shed some tears, the two of us made our way to the waiting room, filled with dozens of other nervous parent’s. Some first timers, some seasoned vets. We took the place of the seasoned vet. “Been here before?” they would ask. Oh yes, we would say. This is our third time.

We curled up on the not-so-comfy blue vinyl sofas with our books and magazines. The Olympics were on in the background, conversations in various languages were being spoken all around us, a child was playing a video game a little too loudly on the computer. Some routine surgeries, like tonsil removal, or circumcision. Some not so routine, like heart surgery, and of course, Colson’s hamstring lengthening and post knee capsulotomies. Parent’s came and went, pagers buzzed on and off, alerting parent’s to return to the waiting room, their child was ready to go.

Our child was ready to go about four hours later. The two hour surgery ended up taking four. No worries. He was in good hands. Dr. Lyon has earned our trust and our respect as Colson’s surgeon, and we are confident that he is in good hands. The phone call came at about 3:00 for one of us to head back to the recovery room. “Been here before?” the nurses asked? Oh yes, I said. This is our third time.

In stall number 4 lay Colson, an adorable “Certificate of Bravery” attached to his hospital crib. His voice was horse from the breathing tube, and his cries sounded more like a barking seal than a cry for help. Raffi made it through the surgery successfully as well and Colson had his fingers tightly wrapped around Raffi’s leg, lest Raffi change his mind about this whole surgery thing and head back to the wilds.

At this point in time, Colson was more mad about the whole experience than he was sad or in pain. We let him take it out on us. It’s ok. We love you even when you are mad at us. He was starting to feel the pain by the time we made it back up to Colson’s room, Childrens East Tower, 4th Floor, Pod 3, Room 24. No map required for us. We’ve been here before. It was our third time.

The morphine could be given every 3 hours. The morphine wore off after an hour. You can see how this would cause a problem. To substitute the morphine after it wore off, Colson was filled up with a cocktail concoction sure to make even the most scandalous of Hollywood look clean. There was the morphine, then there was the Oxycodone, then there was the Torredol, then there was the Valium. I think there was one, maybe two more, but at this point I was more interested in where to send my 14 month old son for rehab than I was in how many more drugs he was taking. As long as they stopped his pain we thought. As long as he can get some sleep. As long as everything is ok for him. If I have to hold my arm at this angle for a week until it falls off just so he can wrap his fingers around mine, I will do it. If we have to watch Baby Mozart a hundred more times today, we will do it. As long as everything is ok for Colson.

No amount of medicine could put a stop to Colson’s tears. His eyes would plead with us through the tears, his voice too hoarse, his eyes too puffy and his body too tired, he would close those baby blues and try to rest, but the tears would not stop even once he had his eyes shut tight. He continued to hold Raffi in a death grip, and he continued to require his fingers to be laced around mine at all times. He continued to take out his emotions on his poor Daddy, who would speak to him gently and give him kisses, despite being yelled at by his son.

The pain this time was far worse for him than it was when he had his other two surgeries. Day two came, and Dr. Lyon suggested we stay another day in the hospital until his pain became manageable. Day two came and I finally got to hold Colson in my arms. Raffi of course, had to snuggle in my arms as well, since Colson still hadn’t willingly given up his death grip on Raffi’s leg. Once in my lap, Colson would get settled and look at me and with some gentle massage on his forehead he would drift off to sleep. If I had to sit like that for hours, if I had to sit until my body cramped up (which it did), I would. As long as everything is ok for Colson.

We spent Tuesday, Wednesday and the wee morning hours of Thursday in the hospital. Nick slept in Pod 19 after that family was sent home, Raffi slept in a death grip, and I slept next to Colson on the pull out chair/sofa contraption they have there, Colson’s fingers wrapped around mine until he fell asleep and I could slowly ease them out. We ate too much nasty fast food, but hey, it’s better than hospital food right? Maybe… Thursday morning came and Colson was “manageable” so we were discharged. We were all ready to go home.

Upon arriving home, Colson decided he would take a nap at noon. He woke up at 5:00 later that night, played with the new piano toy Daddy got him as a gift for being so brave, and them promptly fell back asleep around 7:00 – sleeping until 10 in the morning on Friday. His Auntie Sarah came to play with him on Friday, but even that didn’t seem to help too much. He was excited about his new Baby Einstein movie for half of the day, and enjoyed yelling at us for the other half of the day.

Colson has lost trust of us, his parent’s at the tender age of 14 months. He is cautious of the food we give him, and of drinking from his sippy cup because he thinks it’s his medicine. Now that he is older (he was only 7 months old for his first surgeries), he has figured out that he can grit his teeth or hold his lips shut so we can’t give him his medicine. However, Mommy is still the smarter one in this predicament. With the old, “Oh wow, it’s the best thing ever to take your medicine and you are SO cool and awesome and grown up” trick, he now takes it like a champ.

It is almost a week since his surgery, and he is still pretty miserable with the world. His medicine makes him a little hazy, and he can’t play with his toys with the precision he used to so he gets upset about that. He gets upset when Mommy or Daddy tries to help him. He gets upset when he sits wrong, is left alone, has to go sleep, and plays with his toys. He gets upset if you look at him sometimes, and he gets upset if you talk to him sometimes. He’s not quite sure what he wants right now, and he’s not quite sure what to do to figure out what he wants right now. Mommy and Daddy provide lots of love and kisses and entertainment. Nothing but Raffi seems to provide just the right amount of comfort right now.

Colson’s surgery was successful. And although we still have a long road ahead of us, we look forward to every new day, and all the wonderful and funny things Colson does and will do. And of course, as Colson would have it no other way, Raffi will come along for the ride.